18 December 2009

Yes, but what effect will Global Warming have on Ryan's Family Steakhouse?

This piece from Tara Lohan at the Huffington Post, "Thanks to Climate Change, You Can Kiss These 8 Amazing Things Goodbye," is really interesting, and for those among us who acknowledge the reality of global warming, those of us who have a perfunctory understanding of science, it's heartbreaking. There are so many things we stand to lose, some which threaten our survival on this fragile planet, and some which are just things we enjoy about living here. But I fear that the list will fall on deaf ears with the people who need to hear it the most, i.e. dumb wingnuts. Why? Because the entire list is composed of things that wingnuts either don't understand, don't eat, can't conceptualize, or don't believe in. Let's go through them.


1. World's Best Wines

Whoa there, stop right there, dumb wingnuts don't drink the "world's best wines." They don't even drink the "world's mid-range wines." If they're going to hear this message, tell them what it's going to do to chilled Franzia, or better yet, Natty Light.

2. 50,000 Rainforest Species a Year

First of all, wingnuts don't know where the rainforest is. They also don't understand the concept of the rainforest being the "lungs of the earth," as they most likely attribute life to the breath of God, rather than biology, much less biology involving plants. WAY over their heads there, Tara.

3. New Orleans

Black people, jazz music, culture...yep, those are Wingnuttia's favorite things, all right. Tell them what it's going to do to Macon, Georgia or Colorado Springs or something. (Gotta keep the Dobsons safe!)

4. Pacific Salmon

Do they serve that at the Ryan's Family Steakhouse? I do not think they have that there. Show them the effects of global warming on soft serve ice cream and Funyuns. Then you might have attentive listeners.

5. Maldives and Tuvalu

Furrin' island nations full of brown people aren't REAL to wingnuts, silly! (Unless they're currently bombing them.) Will Alabama be underwater? Will the Holy Land Experience in Orlando be rendered inaccessible to all but the most adventurous wingnuts? Focus on that.

6. Glaciers

Yes, it's well documented that glaciers are disappearing, but wingnuts would like to remind you that it's snowing in Copenhagen right now, because they have no concept of the difference between climate and weather. Many of them also think that the snowing in Copenhagen is a "haw haw" from God, because God really can't come up with any better Fuck You to liberals than snow in Scandinavia in December. Are there any Wal-Marts which depend on glaciers in order to stay open? Talk about those, a whole bunch.

7. Coral reefs

Yes, well, wingnuts aren't going to coral reefs, are they? No, they are going to NASCAR races and WWE events. Will global warming hurt those? Show them how. Plus, sea anemones are transgendered perverts, the "Murphy Brown[s] of the deep," and they are one of the thousands of species in nature which exist as a pretty simple Fuck You to wingnuts' arguments about "natural sexuality," so they don't care.

8. Really big bears

They might actually pay attention to this one, because everybody loves bears. Oh, you mean polar bears? Unfortunately, wingnuts already think, even though all the evidence denies their belief, that polar bear populations are just fine, because their overlords/pastors/corporate daddies/Fox News told them so. Now, if it's about the effects of global warming on this really big bear, then they might listen. Tell them about that.

You see? It's all about tailoring the messaging for your audience. The people who are concerned about the things on the list above already have brains, already like nice things, already appreciate diversity and good food. The piece is preaching to the choir.

Want to get wingnuts on board, though? Show them exactly how Wal-Mart will change in a world where the worst effects of global warming are running their course. Show them how much more difficult it'll be to get screen printed tee shirts with crying eagles on them if the factories in Southeast Asia where children make them are underwater. Show them how Sarah Palin will no longer be able to "write books" if we don't have the trees to make the paper for her to fuck up with her garbled version of English. Dude, show them how Rush Limbaugh will no longer be able to go see his Dominican boys if the tropics become uninhabitable. Tell them exactly which menu items Cracker Barrel will no longer be able to offer.

Any of those things.

It might not do the trick, because we're still dealing with wingnuts, but at least it would be a step in the right direction.

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